In recent months, I have made a concentrated effort to become a better person, but this is extraordinarily difficult when the New Era wants us to consider the following as an acceptable ambassador for our just city:
This is real, folks. It is not a leak; it’s not a troll. It is an actual hat designed by actual people, researched, tested, produced and now offered for sale in the hope that you will trade it for the right to count it among your possessions, the hours of your life spent working to earn and keep 36 US dollars.
The impact of this digital draft is so serious that it knocked the column I had under construction right into next week. That’s news. It affects lives both large and small.
The new design was brought to my attention by C. Trent Rosecrans, via our own Chad Dotson, none of them would joke with such a thing:
I carefully avoid criticizing other commercials in public, because I know how it feels when precious work is under attack. I never leave one-star reviews for books even though they make me regret that I ever learned to read.
However, this hat is the living embodiment of why everyone hates group projects. It seems that the teacher sent everyone online to find a vague Cincinnati-related graphic, and then included them all so that no emotion was harmed. The result is the worst group project to occupy this city since the cicada appeared.
This hat has vaguely heard that the city called “Cincinnati” exists, and it will tell you more as soon as it checks out what NetscapeSearch has to say about it.
This hat is the baseball equivalent of a THIS IS MY HOME banner.
I teach college writing (I know, right?) And for the past seven weeks I have been yelling at my students about the importance of dissertation statements as a basis for a successful thesis. “You have to tell the reader what’s coming,” I tell them. “Give a complete argument. You can not just say ‘Mangoes come from trees.’ There should be a full preview of the paper. And do not use clichés or informal language. ”
So they will travel away for a week and come back with “From the beginning until even today, everyone should believe that mangoes come from trees.”
I’m used to deeply mysterious dissertation statements, is what I say. This hate thesis is difficult to understand, other than perhaps announcing the fact that everyone involved here had access to Wikipedia and a trial version of Microsoft Paint.
The rest of you are undoubtedly as mystified by how this happened as me, but for those of you who are struggling to decipher these extended emojis in the store brand, let’s have an introductory discussion about why they suck:
-Buckeye magazine, apparently a tribute to the state tree but undoubtedly meant to remember Ohio State University, misses the minor point that the vast majority of Cincinnatians live quite comfortably without any updates on Ohio State, except for the occasional confirmation that it is probably still there up in the middle somewhere. No one paints their house scarlet and gray. No one rolls through the center draped with layers of buckeye necklaces. For anyone other than the occasional alum, there is nothing here. It just’s not.
Now if the hat managed to cram all the signs of all the high school areas in the same room – well, it would come somewhere.
-Because the dish of chili was rendered by a ten-year-old using a Commodore 64, it was considered necessary to add a useful image of a chili pepper, even though Cincinnati chili is made in the Greek style, and therefore low-key chocolate and cinnamon rather than pepper. In fact, the leading quality of our chili lack of pepper. I’m aware that our chili is a great source of controversy both within (Gold Star vs Skyline vs everything else) and without (is it, or is it not, diarrhea drooling over a sausage?) But at least read the freaking PAGE OR BOXES. It is also online. I promised.
-I’m not even going to start with the new diagonal-based Year of Formation religion we all seem to belong to now.
-The silhouette of the suspension bridge is the least offensive aspect of the whole offense, but when you get to it, you are exhausted by everything that has been created.
I’m now reliably informed that each team’s hat has since disappeared from the New Era website, and that’s a shame. It is a moving monument to an assumption of understanding, and gosh darn what is appropriate in society today.